Friday, June 24, 2011

Reasons why you DON'T want to live in Hawaii

[Wrote this a few days ago, forgot to hit Publish. Herp derp.]

As I write this, I'm sitting in a Starbucks roughly 30 miles from my home. Why? Because there is no DSL or cable available at my home, and this is the closest wifi spot. The place is packed with people on their laptops, cords are strew about across walkways and tables and along the walls, people are sitting on the floor in clusters near the precious few outlets, which have double surge protectors plugged into them. It looks like a refuge camp of hipsters. I'm sipping a $4 12 ounce iced coffee (the cheapest item on the menu), so I don't feel like such a leech. And to try and keep cool in this oppressively body-heated slum den. Why am I doing this? Because I NEED the newest Game of Thrones episode - its released late at night on Sunday here, so I drive here Mondays to get it. And how fast am I downloading this 550 mbs? A grand 35kbps. Seriously. I'll let you figure out how many hours I'll be stuck here before its finished.

But wait, I have less nerdy gripes than pathetic prevalence of internet availability!

Everything is #$%&ing expensive.
Seriously. Take the price of something on the mainland, then multiply it by 2.5. Add ~4% for the general excise tax (which may or not be shown to you on your receipt, because its NOT a sales tax), on everything, then add another .05% for a $%&*ing monorail on Oahu that will go exactly 6 miles and cost $4 billion to build. YES, I MAD.

Man list cost - $30~; Woman's list - arm, leg, new
mortgage on house, first-born child, etc etc.

Milk is $7 a gallon, eggs are $3/dozen, bread is $4-6 a loaf (depending on how chemical-laden you can stand it to be). Fastfood is ridiculously overpriced, especially pizza - be prepared to spend $30 on a 2-topping large pizza at Pizza Hut. This is all fine and dandy if you're rich, and came here to retire, but it seriously starves poor people. Combine the insane cost of electricity, goods in general, gas, rent, and our high unemployment rate, and its enough to make most people hate living here.

Do not eat here, unless you enjoy $8 grease with a side of e. coli &
cockroaches. Seriously, I found a cockroach in my plate lunch once.

Its a $%&*ing island.
Well, duh, its an island. That's obvious. But when you live here, you quickly get sick of seeing the same 10 square miles, day in and day out. Now, the island is much larger than that, of course! But, considering that people on the east side (aka, the prole's side) rarely go to the west side (aka, Touristland) because gas is an arm and a leg, and the only bus leaves before
the sun is even up, you quickly feel caged in. You go to work, you go to school, you maybe find the time to go to the beach once a month (if that), you shop at the same store for everything (LOLWALMARTLOL) because its the only one and its cheap, you see the same damn people because they're all going the same damn places as you. If you want to live in a real life Truman Show, this is it, my friends.

You want to escape for a trip to the mainland. Cough up $900 - more if you want to bring more than a carry-on. Or how about just a day trip to another island - who knows, maybe it'll be slightly different from the one you're on! $200, please. Plus your bags.

The locals are NOT your $%&*ing friends.
Most tourists will go on and on about the 'aloha spirit'. The aloha spirit is a myth, a fabrication of the tourist industry. Locals hate your damn haole (foreign, usually only applies to white people) guts, and hope you fall off a cliff, drown while snorkling, or crash your stupid rented Mustang through a guardrail right into a gulch. The only reason you're here is to spend money. So they will smile, say 'mahalo' like a parrot right up till your back is turned, and curse having to live off your damn tourist dollars. They will wave your rental car through a turn with a big $%&# eating grin, then grumble about mainland drivers always being in a hurry. Be prepared to pay for EVERYTHING once you land on the island - air conditioning in your condo costs extra by the day (so do towels), $5 a PERSON (not car) for parking at many of our lovely beaches and historical sites, and many other little hidden fees specially created for gently reaming our tourist friends.

Congratulations, you just paid $50 a day to look like a cop.
Beat cops get a monthly car allowance, & most of them choose to buy Mustangs.
Also, don't park anywhere even slightly unattended, you will be ripped off.

I don't blame the locals, or the tourists for this mentality of foreigner hatred - I blame the government. When a government builds an economy that nearly solely relies on tourism, the local people suffer, and government profits. When tourism collapses, things get even worse for the locals. I've seen it in Florida, so its not just a Hawaii problem.


  1. Lol lovin this blog. You're officially a real blogger since you blogged at Starbucks!

  2. I completely agree with your last paragraph, the city I live at in California is going through the same thing. They're raising taxes, charging for parking in places that have been free & public forever, trying to make things seem so tourist friendly while ignoring major problems in most of the city... I hope things turn around for everyone soon, but I don't see it :|

  3. Yeah I love it here but the downfalls are major. I think the only reason the locals don't hate me is I can talk pigeon. (but I can't spell it)

  4. As much as I love the idea of an isolated area, I totally understand all these points. And honestly, a life without broadband is not a life I want to lead.

    Definitely seems like a tourist destination less than a place to live.

  5. that really sucks. i feel your pain with the slow internet though :(

  6. Wow, suddenly Hawaii doesn't sound all that much like a paradise anymore. I guess that's how it goes, though. Nothing is what it may seem at first glance.

  7. Who wants to live in hawai anyway ?

  8. I can't believe the $7 milk!! And, I hate walmart (poor college student, I know what's its like to shop there) so I definitely sympathize there. Interesting read, though

  9. I guess it wouldn't be bad touring but as you mentioned living there just isn't something you'd do unless you came from a 'worse' country.

  10. Well that sucks, I always wanted to visit there.

  11. Yea, it's a shame.

    Also, Xmas trees when I lived there in the late 80's were like 200 bucks per. That's freaking nuts. Especially when now I can drive a mile from my house and pay 15 bucks for one, 20 years later.

  12. I wouldnt live in hawaii only because dog the bounty hunter lives there. By the way, I finished that picture of a zombie clown riding a zombie t-rex, come check it out

  13. expensive.. thats what i always heard

  14. yea I knew it was pretty bad in hawaii
    they only made it a state because of its strategic location and never seemed to give the locals much thought

  15. hawaii???

  16. haha quite a cynical post!
    I can understand. Costa Rica feels a bit like that and has quite a lot of the same points, especially the tourist thing. Mind you, I don't like them either, they walk around the city looking like they're on the beach and seem to have no idea about the culture or the fact that they look very rich and there are a lot of poor people.
    I'm surprised about the internet though, I would've thought you would have pretty good connections.